As ridiculous as it seems, I have PBD. This time last week all I thought I would be ecstatic to be done with the bar. You can image how surprised I was when I woke up on Thursday morning feeling nearly as stressed as when I woke up on Wednesday morning. I assumed that would gradually pass. It didn’t. And I spent the rest of the day moping on my couch and declining calls from friends and family (if I screened you don’t feel bad, I screened literally everyone). I was so distressed that I skipped yoga class, but by the end of the day Thursday, I was feeling a little better. Friday morning I got up and went to the gym and expected that my good mood would continue. I was wrong. PBD returned a couple of hours after the gym.
After talking with a couple of friends, I noticed that we were all a little “off” after the bar. For the most part, we don’t know what to do and that’s distressing! The last three years and especially the last three weeks have been a marathon of studying all leading up to one huge test: the bar. But now that we’re done, there’s nothing to study, nothing to do, and feel a little purposeless. And that feeling of purposelessness, as if there is literally no goal to work toward, nothing to accomplish, is PBD.
And it sucks! I don’t think this is because I have a hard time relaxing (although that may be part of it), but now that I don’t have something to do everyday nothing is getting done! I decided on Friday to clean my house. It’s now Monday and all that I have done is unload and reload the dishwasher. Quite a task, I know, but I think a 4 day turnaround on a load of dishes is some sort of record.
I can slowly feel the PBD lifting though. I’m getting used to not having something that must be done everyday and it’s pretty nice not having a terrible event like the bar hanging over my head. And in just a few minutes I’m going to my first post-bar yoga class. So very very slowly I’m returning to the land of the living.
Wish me luck!